It hasn't been an eventful week, but it sure has been a thoughtful one.

The one issue plaguing me, and Portland in general this week, is my sexuality. This is mainly because of the Portland Pride Parade, whose theme this year is "Keep Portland Queer", a spoof off of the "Keep Portland Weird" campaign. I was reading the Mercury (a local paper, mainly alternative and liberal leftist) this afternoon, and was plauged by sentiments of the gay community. Which was, mainly, heartwarming and mind opening. But it brought about the question to myself, what do I indentify as?
When asked or prompted, my usual spew of words is along the lines of " I'm a bi-sexual polyamourous sub with masochistic tendancies." Which usually makes people's jaws drop, or at the very least, an eyebrow raising.
I don't blame them, I'm quite a complicated character. But if I had to shorten it, why not just say Queer?
The general opinion is that queer brings about negative conotations. With the recent media craze of "Queer Eye" and various related TV shows, and the stereotypical gay man, queer has been the equal of Redneck. There are (believe it or not) people proud to label themselves as Rednecks, and the same goes for queer.
Until recently, I wouldnt have thought to shorten it. Apparently, people are deciding for the rest of us that labels for our various sexualities are now needed, because we are becoming more socially important. Like how corporates and socialities abound label themselves and their peers... ew. I do not, DO NOT, want to be labeled because of society. Maybe it's the anarchist or anti-social in me, but just because we, as a society, need to start giving gays and (for lack of the correct achronim) queers their basic human rights and liberties (ie marriage, equality in the law, ect) doesn't give the rest of society the right to start labeling the rest of us.
I liked it when we were all obscure and taboo. I liked it when I could proclaim myself as sexualy liberated and have people in awe over it. Now, just because you can introduce yourself as "Hi, I'm poly" or "Hi, he and I are in a D/s relationship" or "Hey there, I'm bi so I am almost guarenteed to hook up tonight" or any other variation.
It's actaully sickening. I've sat and watched as people out themselves to everyone. It's great to have pride in yourself, in your life choice or situation; but it's another whole thing to tell it to everyone you meet, who proabably don't even want or deserve to know. The only people that know my bedroom tendancies are my close friends, exes or current partners, or those I wish in my bedroom. Other than that, it's no one's business.
Back to my orginal point I know, I ramble)  labeling. I like the word queer. It gives me back that obscurity and taboo-ness. I like being obscure. I will now just say I'm queer. Unless person asking is interesting enough for my bed.

And another thing:
Love.
I've just finished Jacqueline Carey's newest in the Kushiel series, "Kushiel's Justice". It was AMAZING. I cried almost through the entire thing. I won't spoil any details, but you MUST READ!
I love, too easily. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions on my face, as anyone who knows me can attest to.
I feel a need to reserve myself for a bit, but in order to do so I feel like I must put my true self in bindings (that's a reference to the above book) and in that case... well, read the book. I'd be too much like Imriel.
It has been pointed out to me, by friends and others, that I do need to reserve myself in certain situations and contexts. It's not enough to just stop my promiscuity, I need to learn how to reign in my emotions. I fall hard and fast, and usually unwanted. And this has happened again and again, in a vicious cycle of heartache and abuse, pain and ruined friendships.
This is difficult when one has relationships budding, and another in full bloom.
I can't cut off my relationships in good standing; not now. And yet, I have this overwhelming urge to become like a hermit, and cut off my heart entirely. Who will I hurt more by doing so, myself or my partners, when with no warning I cut off all ties?
I know that pain. I have no wish to visit it upon anyone.
And yet...
Yet...

I shall pray to my Lord Dionysus, or his guidance in the matters of the heart and groin.
And to my Lady Persephone, who knows about sacrifice and Love.

" Can't bee your lover
Can't bee that loveless
Can't bee that healing rope, or anything
Can't bee without you, the one or the other
Can't even bee what you are for me

Can't even bee your final solution
I hope I was your final pollution

Can't bee your motion
Can't bee that frozen
Can't bee those limbs you miss, or everything
Can't bee the apocalypse, one or the other
Can't live your life for you and for me

Can't even bee your final pollution
I wish I was the heartbeat of your destruction

Can't bee like you
Can't bee that hateful
Can't bee that cross to bridge, or just that thing
Can't bee the insect stroke, the distracted love
Don't dare to bee what you are for me

Can't even bee your absolution
I pace at the rhythm of your consumption"
"Can't Bee", Moonspell, "The Butterfly Effect"

Twilight and Beauty,
Saraid

I agree with you, sexual orientation and preferences are really just one's own personal business. There's no reason to let it define one's whole sense of self. Maybe that's the biggest problem with discrimination against alternative sexualities; in our culture, once you find out Joe's gay, he's no longer "Joe", he's "gay Joe," even if you have no issue with him being gay. Gays/queers are often viewed almost exclusively in terms of their sexuality, so they are forced to identify more of their lives with it than a "normal" heterosexual would.

I think in a way we are all a little "queer." I also think that in the eyes of many of the gay community that using the work is like a "taking back" from it's negativity. Much like the words Pagan and Bitch. Lol, both of which I am proud to say I am. Just not so sure I am gonna go out advertising that I'm queer.

queer
4 entries found for queer

Main Entry: 1queer
Pronunciation: 'kwir
Function: adjective
Etymology: origin unknown
1 a : WORTHLESS, COUNTERFEIT b : QUESTIONABLE, SUSPICIOUS
2 a : differing in some odd way from what is usual or normal b (1) : ECCENTRIC, UNCONVENTIONAL (2) : mildly insane : TOUCHED c : absorbed or interested to an extreme or unreasonable degree : OBSESSED d (1) often disparaging : HOMOSEXUAL (2) sometimes offensive : GAY 4b
3 : not quite well
- queer·ish /-ish/ adjective
- queer·ly adverb
- queer·ness noun
usage Over the past two decades, an important change has occurred in the use of queer in sense 2d. The older, strongly pejorative use has certainly not vanished, but a use by some gay people and some academics as a neutral or even positive term has established itself. This development is most noticeable in the adjective but is reflected in the corresponding noun as well. The newer use is sometimes taken to be offensive, especially by older gay men who fostered the acceptance of gay in these uses and still have a strong preference for it.

Thursday, June 14th 2007 @ 9:33 PM

I just read your blog on myspace about blogging on here instead and decided to check it out. It's a very good read!:)

i can relate to much more of this than i would admit to most people.