Wow.

So, moving hopefully this next week, closer to work but still close in SE Portland. Well, technically I'll be on the border between SE and NE, but it doesn't matter much.

Work is fuckin crazy. Get your reservations now, and send good energies my way for that promotion to go through for sure.

There's nothing like packing and going through old things to make you nostalgic. I found a letter my step father wrote me when I first moved to Portland, which is odd because I only ever remember him writing letters about 3 or 4 times in the whole time I've known him. It made me sad, but only because I realized that letter was as close to apologizing for everything that I'm likely to get. I love the man, he was my only father; but he's got fucked up morals and actions.
I also found a photograph that my biological father sent me for my 10th birthday. It's of some pink flowers (carnations, I think) surrounded by broken glass on a black background. It's a beautiful photo, but I wonder why he sent it to me. At the time when I met him, he said he was a photographer by trade, but when it came time to do child support and such I remember that he claimed he worked in construction. Anyway, the symbolism of the flowers around broken glass... did he think my mother was not who I should be with? Did he really want to give up his comfy bachelor life to raise me? Did he think he could have dealt with a daughter through puberty and teens? I wonder if things would have been better if I went to stay with him. I know things would have been different, but better? I love my brothers and my friends; certainly I wouldn't have met some of the people who are now my biggest influences and closest friends. Would I be the same goofy, sick humored S&M chick I am?

What ifs are the bane of contentment.

There hasn't been much time for anything for me recently. Besides drinking after work, which has become a habit with me. And on my weekends. I'm not too happy about it, considering the addictive personality I have and that both my parents abused alcohol; but I am doing my best to be responsible about it. I'm not drinking to the point of drunkenness, either, but because I hate it when I'm drunk. Just enough to feel buzzed, and relax and forget all the burns and stress from work.

Going to go see Cannibal Corpse and The Black Dahlia Murder this Tuesday at the Roseland. Fuck yeah!

So, I'll leave you with...

"Patience is my ally
Design should not be rushed
Aspersions long forgotten
Never left my mind

My rage must be controlled
My plans require time
My rage must be controlled until the time is right

Master of self control
Seething deep inside
Enemies oblivious
My ruse has made them blind

My rage must be controlled
My plans require time
My rage must be controlled until the time is right

My hate has been concealed my time has come at last
My hate has been concealed but now the scum will die

Batter the face
Crushing the pompous fool
Retaliation
This was worth the wait

Endurance
Deception
Abhorrence

Vengeance
Wounds of the enemy
Oozing hypocrisy
Duplicitous slime
They are less than nothing

Twisted
Slaves to their vanity
They are beneath my feet
Only now can they learn
As my boot kicks their heads

Pitiless tormenting
Resolve never wavering
Contemptible pieces of human trash litter my life


Victory was certain
They never saw it coming
Years of planning have paid off
Voices inside silenced"

"The discipline of Revenge" Cannible Corpse, "Kill"

Twilight and Beauty,
Salome

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