It's been a long and eventful few weeks. Months? I've lost track of time.
I emailed my father today. He may see this blog. I hope he does, maybe he will get some sort of insight into the person I am. I don't really know what to expect to come of this, basically I want answers to a few nagging questions. Am I prone to diabetes or heart attacks on that side of my DNA? Do I get my talent for spices and herbs from his Hungarian background? I wonder about certain personality quirks that definatly does not come from my mother's side of the family. I wonder, really, if knowing all this would really help me figure out who I am, who I need to be. Or is it just helpless flailing on the sidelines? A distraction, most certainly.

What else has been going on recently? I learned that lack of communication due to my being insecure and afraid led to hurting the one I love most. I know I've said it already, but I am very sorry. We're good now, though. I just need to remember that my feelings are my own, and that he can do nothing to change them.

I love my friends. My housemates and close friends have been really there for me recently and I can't stress enough how much I am grateful for everything.

Work is slow, and that's the season for it, but aside from that, I'm not learning anything. I'm doing the same shit I've been doing since I was 16. Granted, I'm much better at it and it's higher quality, but the same when it gets to the basics. I want to learn, more than what I already know; because in school they can only teach so much. In order to really learn you must experience first hand. ... And knowing that, I want to go back to doing breakfasts and brunch, because it's what I love and I'm very good at it.

Writing is stalled, mostly because of a new part time position I took up writing for a website. I may post it later, but seeing as I am expecting a certain audience soon, I'd rather wait. ... I am however, working on personal writings. Well, all are personal, but personal journaling is what has been taking up my time. It's been a good release and realization tool about myself; which is what I really need now. To really know and understand myself.

I'm exhausted (yay for impromptu laser tag!) and so off I go to sleep.

Twilight and Beauty,
Salome

Salome, I come to this late but feel I have a few things to contribute.

Let me begin with your name "Salome."

Salome is a variant of the hebrew word shalom (peace) so your choice of name is in keeping with your approbation “Twilight and Beauty.”

The x-tian presentation of Salome as a harlot who did little more than perform a vulgar dance and is guilty of having a hand in the murder of one of the x-tians revered prophets is an example of misinformation.
One incarnation of Salome is that she represented Ishtar as the third of her three high priestesses, “Marys”, in a ritual sacrifice rather than a murder.

I could go on but as you see I have issues w/ x-tians and their perversion of our human heritage for political gain.

Also your desire to find yourself... you can no more discover your true self than you can discover the thumb on your left hand, or your eye tooth. Your self, your being is there, always has been and always will be. Searching for this being denies your own existence and ability for self-determination.

I suggest you consider asking yourself if you are seeking some form of external validation that you contemplate creating the person you choose, you envision yourself to be and allow your being to express itself through this act of creation.
You are already well along this path, but are faced with the dilemma of trying to perceive the forest through the trees.

I see this path a means of wandering through alternate realities (search quantum physics, multiverse http://www.manyuniverses.com/multiplerealities.htm)
Searching for your “self” surrenders your self determination to the chance happenings of the particular reality your are experiencing at any given time, whereas actively working to create your “self” puts you in the position of of taking control over these realities and consciously working to influence them.


Merry meet,
Osirisopto
--
I feel I could possibly be fading...
or have something more to be.